I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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