cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
