Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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