he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
