I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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