Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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