Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
