He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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