You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
