Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize