it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize