Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
