Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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