he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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