I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
