ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Your mouth is God's brothel.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
