after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
