swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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