this boner is exhausting
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
