just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
