i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize