just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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