Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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