we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
