did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
