my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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