bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
