I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
