We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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