First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We just shotgunned beers for America
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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