You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
