Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
