she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
