I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
