if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
