Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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