Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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