Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
