FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
