I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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