You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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