Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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