Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize