i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
