Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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