apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
