It's like God shit irony all over that family
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
