Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
