I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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