If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
