Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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