I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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