part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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