K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
