Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
