remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
