Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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